At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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