you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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