he told me I talked like a deaf person
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
