it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
