I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize