Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
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Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.