saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
