I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
