my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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