Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
