i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
