he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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