I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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