Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
