i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
