so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.