Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.