i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
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i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
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FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today