It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
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Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
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Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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