I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
