I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
last night I used snow as a chaser
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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