I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
