Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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