I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize