being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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