What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
