So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
