I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
