We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
