I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
