The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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