sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
please come you make the beer taste better
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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