when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
