im having a threesome with these popsicles
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.