The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.