Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
