so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
