he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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