there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
