what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know, be my cock's hype man.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
