I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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