Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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