four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
