Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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