My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
