When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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