I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
