Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
