I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
