The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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