"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
