Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
