This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
