I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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