he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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