i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
