ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm both gender and math confused
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
