We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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