idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
