Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
