I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Randomize
