Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
